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Anhedonia

by Little Arcana

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1.
i can sense the defeat but i will try and try i seek a hollow release but i don't know why i'm losing touch my mirror's fogging up well it's the same damn song and i can't prove me wrong i can't go on i must go on i've lost my feelings my words will float off freely i know it's disappointing you've lost faith in me i can't go on i'll toughen slowly even when you can't stand thinking of me i can't go on i must go on i'll pick those fragments off the ground i'll pocket your laughter's echoes and sounds i'll take that dead weight off my back and i'll get back on track
2.
Get Lucid! 05:06
woke up w/your fingers in my mouth you know it's all i think about the sweetest taste i ever found i wonder if you see your dad in dreams it's his heartbeat that you keep in between anxieties and i'm content to sink into the gaps between your teeth and i've seen the pictures time and time and time and time again again things were different back then things were different back then it's my cold reflection and i am refracted i'm stretching and scratching and since i dropped acid now not that much has changed a beat up copy of the little prince you say 'i think i've heard of this' in between tears was where you disappeared there's a hole where a rose is supposed to go there's a hole i still find things to blame on you might as well be screaming in an empty room it's so strange to think that you had changed while i was standing still every single part of me that's not you will separate entirely what time won't heal and it keeps getting better you know we've seen harsher weather yeah, the past is losing all of its appeal every time i look at you it's unreal with your frozen bedroom laughter trapped on camera's reel and i will keep returning until this thing ceases hurting i fell asleep with you behind the wheel
3.
this is your third attempt you wanna slide down my bottle neck you say it's not even sadness it's something much deeper than cake flavored vodka on a king's crossing weekend you know i can't fix your problems i know nothing to solve them and i nearly dropped out twice yeah, i'm not quite the smartest but i know about sinking you cling to your mattress cause you're not sleeping much anymore this isn't the last time is it james we're stuck in the cycle and we will remain white walls that bend towards the center and you're still working retail you know i think that's the problem you're never gonna stop it and you don't want to change you say 'there's no more lightness at the bottom of your being' you're sick of looking and never seeing i loved you like lights that keep burning out and my heart was the satellite in the orbit of your house and you reached out with both hands and pulled me back down to earth i don't want to swim forever or give in to endless summer and i just sat there, watched you stand there sat up, stand up, float it all away float it all away
4.
FCT 05:17
i pushed through the skin of my back and left myself to drown in a lake bed, in new jersey of all places. nice try but it'll take more than that to kill the old ways the habits and circumstances, the cigarettes you're slipping out of your jacket. it was the three of us up in the attic, while the connecticut hardcore bands made the meaning underneath everything. your stars are blinking out one by one they fade in the indent in your couch that's widening you're smoking twice as much those clouds creating an atmosphere that you can deal with a smoke screen veil that alters the image the space between two trucks we've passed is closing up in the wind and the storm on the way back from connecticut the way the rain pummeled on your car you'd think we were underwater and i wish i was i wish i was where are your friends tonight? where are your friends tonight? repeated from a speaker the meaning's much deeper than you care to imply where are your friends tonight? where are your friends tonight? the gas station attendant ponders so clearly it's almost impolite but not quite. i concede that you were right cut up blunts on table tops and barking dogs in parking lots i can see why you'd wanna leave here it is clear that life worth leading is out of the basement the fog that's created by those friends who've got the signal but can't quite cross cause they're in a loop of the past three days a continuum repeated ad nauseum the ones who can't get traction in the frost so you packed up your shit your medication and hung around the record store waiting for the last time in a long time if saying goodbye was this easy then why hadn't you thought of leaving in the first place where are your friends tonight? where are your friends tonight? if i could see all my friends tonight.
5.
if i was a witch toucher an ancient ward of unknown power i'd probably never even touch her i'd just see her in dreams if i lived in a cave atop dead cop mountain and i drank the wine out the base of my enemies' skulls if i shot lightning and owned a set of wizardly cloaks i'd prolly never even look at her, or call her on the phone and if i ever got to speak to her i'd tell her what she needed to hear i'd say i don't know what your looking for the one who's gonna love you most is here if i went back in time if i unrolled all those twelve sided die i would spend much less of my time day dream dramaticizing if i could resurrect dead say what i shoulda said if i got out of my head i know you think it's kinda funny like it's one big joke but i'm the only eager actor in your life's show you told me to break a leg instead i got a compound fracture the stagelight hits my hollow bones and i become a shadow caster and if i woke up next to you i'd know that's where i needed to be i'd whisper to your sleeping ear and hope my voice would carry in your dreams if i went back in time if i unrolled all those twelve sided die i would spend much less of my time day dream dramaticizing But you are mine only half the time the other half i'm wide awake and i will mince my words so bad you'll think it misanthropic is it just me or am i a creep? it's only adhd baby it's not serious as when you used to cut your wrists the shit i'd tell my therapist so you're not taking any risks you know that i am an abyss that will keep pulling you back in until there's nothing left grant me courage to accept and the knowledge to tell when i'm dancing with anxiety and drinking to forget you if i was a witch toucher
6.
Be Good 06:01
i just want to wish you well i can see your house from the grass in my backyard the space between stars becomes your absence from where you are i look like an anthill and you're not wrong you never were you laughed so loud that it's absurd heartily such a relief i miss that sound so bad it hurts i just need to be good but i can see my faults from the back of your bedroom my evil deeds all my deceits i wear your scarf like a crown of thorns but i know deep down in the darkest caverns of your anger there's a spot for me that's where i'll be and that lightless space where once two anchors tied together will never be empty, on me. on me. i just need to get some help i can feel my brain slowly turning against me that halting screech of impending defeat and now i hold the weight of your memory i just need to be good this one time i just need to be good why can't I? in a desperate bid for identity you cut your hair and dyed it aquamarine as if that would change your feelings or make you any more or less a human being and it's hard to be alive when those you love are dead and dying it's the painful ache of time mulitplied by the futility of crying please stop crying now i love you even though you're crying now
7.
now that my comic book years are done i'm only getting drunk on the weekends no more special six issue mini-series runs i'm only spendin money on reasons to wake up i'm sick of indie films, and i'm sick of floral skirts, i'm sick of faux malaise wanna give a shit about anything else than what she'd like i'm sick of losing common ground bury my nights cause i'm worn out i'm worn out and i can't be bothered i'm done treading water and i'll sink to the bottom of the bottle with my problems i'm gonna work on them for you i don't deserve it, it's true i spent all summer pacing back and forth tryna stake a claim on your heart's porch the same day i watched you graduate i found you cryin by the tennis courts so what's the point of staying grounded for, if i'll never feel it like i did before? when grief is something that you calculate, oh god i'll let it spill from every pore i'm worn out and i can't be bothered i'm done treading water and i'll sink to the bottom of the bottle with my problems i'm gonna work on them for you i don't deserve it, it's true it was that pain to which you could relate when it was us against the human race and the only times i really felt in love were the points at which we'd separate it's the same dream that i have every night, of the apparatus gleaming bright with a single push i could disintegrate every living thing in sight so i'll point the death ray up and aim it at the sun goodnight to planet earth goodnight to everyone this time i won't wake up now that my comic book years are done i'm only getting drunk when i need it

about

this is our second record.

mostly it's songs about going off of your medication and making lots and lots of mistakes.

also songs about hurting people and then getting hurt by people and etc, ouroboros, the snake that ate and ate and ate! damn

for me, making stuff has always been about communicating yourself to other people, and helping them feel less alone via said communion.

I hope you listen to this and think 'hey, i've felt that before' and it makes you feel less alone.

thank you so much.

credits

released January 2, 2018

Jesse Appel - Drums
Zack Abel - Bass, Vox
Zach Brown - He produced it
Sean Brown - Guitar, lead vox

Album Art by Thomsen Cummings

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Little Arcana Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

Little Arcana is a smooth vanilla ice cream with a slight buttery flavor, with pecans added; manufactured by many major ice cream brands.

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